Two things you need to know before we begin:
1) I’ve never had pre-workout before.
2) I workout during my lunch break at work
A lot of my friends and acquaintances and people I stalk on the
internet are fitness fanatics.
These healthy, happy people who always seem to have better lives
than me are always touting the benefits of some supplement or recently
discovered rain forest dwelling grass-berry hybrid. One thing however that I am
constantly being told both by my internet stalkees and their real life
counterparts is that if you’re not using pre-workout you’re not “getting the
most out of your workout”. To translate out of gym niceties: “You’re an
embarrassment to the gym and yourself. Why do you even bother, you sloth on a
moving walkway?”
So when it came time for my 20th or so “diet and exercise starts
tomorrow” declaration for the year so far, I decided to purchase one of these
wonder powders. This was less a well thought out and researched procurement
than it was one of these products being in my direct line of sight and costing
under $30 at Chemist Warehouse.
Since I work out almost exclusively during my lunch break (home
time is internet time) it dawned on me that I was going to have to take my new
energiser work with me. This I did.
I had been told by many people (who I now realise were
embellishing the truth to some degree) that pre-workout was basically rocket
fuel for people. It would give me an unparalleled burst of energy which I would
then parlay into becoming a workout monster when presented with a treadmill
and/or dumbbell. Gullible as I am I thought “Wow, better halve the dose so
people at work don’t think I’m on crack.”
So Monday before work I zip lock bagged up a half dose of my
pre-workout miracle powder and off I went.
As lunch rolled around I decided I better mix up this stuff of
legends as the container suggested drinking it an hour to an hour and a half
before your workout. “Cool. No problem. Everybody does it right? How bad can it
be if all those fitness people take it. So you’ve never tried it before and you
are in your place of employment, it’ll be fine it was $29.95 from the chemist.
You didn’t buy it from a guy wearing a trench coat in the middle of summer.”
…………………………..When it comes to new things I am, as a rule, an
absolute wussy. So I halved my half dose.
I pulled out my suspicious looking baggie of white powder and
tried to discreetly distribute it into a shaker bottle at my desk. The majority
of it ended up on and in my computer keyboard. But I managed to get some in the
shaker and enthusiastically added water and shook it above my head in a
defensive display of “I didn't bring cocaine to work! See?! I’m just really
into fitness!”
For the next hour I sat at my desk, placebo effect in full swing.
If I typed an especially fast sentence in an email, my brain immediately
suspected I was under the influence of the pre-work out and it was enhancing my
already absurdly quick and particularly inaccurate typing skills.
I decided I’d better head off to the gym so I could reap the
benefits of the best investment under $30 I’d ever made (Except for maybe 45
pairs of Kmart socks).
As I stepped triumphantly through the front doors of the gym, my
energy evaporated instantly. It was like someone decided to flick my lazy
switch into the ‘on’ position. Evidently the placebo effect was not strong
enough to carry me through an actual workout. So I spent 30 minutes on the
cross trainer at a very low resistance reading a book.
Far be it from me to give up on this thing I had spent my hard
earned cash on and that was supposedly the best energy booster ever to grace
the earth, I decided that the next day I would take a full dose of this crap.
No, not a full dose as recommended on the container, a full dose in the eyes of
me, which out of stubbornness was a whole scoop of powder (note: recommended
dose is half a scoop).
Again, suspicious baggy on desk, but this time I dumped the whole
lot in the shaker, careful not to coat my keyboard a second time. I downed the
liquid as quickly as I could, which is not very fast. (For some reason I am a
terribly slow drinker who gets full really fast. As a kid..and possibly still
now..it would take me all day to drink half a juice box.)
I again noticed my typing speed seemed to
have accelerated to Flash like levels, but wrote this off as more placebo
effects induced by the concoctions tropical flavoured lies.
I trotted off to the gym anyway. This time, however, I
practically flew there. I burst in through the front door and wove through the
few people in my way like Pacman avoiding Blinky…although somewhat less agile.
I went straight for the treadmill and cranked that shit up to 11. (I literally
put the speed on 11. I know that’s not crazy fast, but I felt like Roadrunner
at the time). I zoned out listening to a mismatched playlist of Britney
Spears’s ‘Toxic’ and ‘The Plot to Bomb the Panhandle’ by A Day to Remember on
repeat, and watching my reflections pony tail bounce exultantly from side to
side with each lightning fast step that I took. I finished my 5ks in a less
than impressive time, and with less than impressive pains in my legs, but it
felt like a victory to me. I had survived the pre-workout! It had given me the
energy to run to a Britney Spears song!
Whilst showering and feeling on the edge of exhaustion, I thought
back over my intake for the day. Got up, had coffee. Met a friend for dinner,
had coffee. Got to work, had a can of energy drink. Needed a break from my
computer screen, got coffee. Almost lunch time, had pre-workout.
Andddd so I added up just how much caffeine I had actually had
prior to my ‘pre-workout is awesome’ epiphany run.
Too much.
Enough that it may have caused me a crazed burst of cartoon bird
enthusiasm for running short-moderate distances on a flat surface at a
controlled speed, (What type of bird is Roadrunner anyway?...Google says
Roadrunner is a roadrunner. Huh. Well there you have it.)
Had I jumped the gun too soon praising pre-workout as my
motivational savior? Was it in fact glorious caffeine which had kick started my
ability to run Terminator T1000 style towards a car that I never reached (this
is what I imagined while running to keep me motivated, which is why I kept my
palms open and focused greatly on arm swinging technique).
I didn’t really care. I was that tired that putting my pants on
after the shower was enough effort to almost make me break out into a sweat
again. Dear god I’m unfit.
I am home now, and have been for the past 4 hours. I should have
been asleep 3 hours ago, but am not in the least bit drowsy despite the (minor)
physical exertion I put myself through today. The lesson is probably that no
matter how much of an addict you think you are, you CAN have too much caffeine,
and will suffer the consequences of sitting up in bed when you should be
asleep, writing terrible blogs about how you can’t sleep. It will help you run
fast briefly, but then you will be trapped in an endless thought cycle, trying
to decide which caffeinated beverage it was which inevitably pushed you over
the edge.
Caffeine + Caffeine + Bubbly Caffeine + Caffeine + Tropical
flavoured Caffeine = Energy/Brain malfunction + a thousand word essay on
caffeine.
So for now I guess I will continue the
pre-workout regime. Largely because I don’t want to waste almost $30 I could
have spent on regular coffee, and partly because I don’t really care if I never
sleep again.
That last part
is not true. I would like to be able to sleep now please. My left
eye has started twitching.
