Chronicles of Incompetence

I tend to use my Facebook page to share stories of my ineptitude. The below few incidences have all occurred within the last few months, and as you can see my rate of failure is steadily increasing.

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 “How I know it's time to get my eyes checked - was walking past a car with a slightly rolled down window and could see a grey poodles fluffy head fro and ears poking up. 'Awww', I thought as I moved in for a closer look, 'poor fella must be hot in that car'. About a foot from the window as I stared at it, partially through the glass and partially through the open crack in the window, I noticed there was a face staring back at me. A human face. It wasn't a poodle I had noticed in a hot car. It was an elderly lady with a grey perm. I flashed a quick smile and gave her a wave and ran away as fast as I could.”

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“Had a bunch of new sports bras and stuff I ordered arrive from Victoria's Secret today. Naturally tried it all on, danced around the apartment like Cameron Diaz at the start of Charlies Angels feeling sexy as hell. Then came the moment where I had to remove one that zips up at the front. Instead of taking one arm out at a time, I decided I could slip both out at once...and promptly got both my arms stuck behind my back. I was naked from the waist up with my arms tangled behind me in a now mangled sports bra, swinging from side to side in a futile attempt to free myself, which is when I noticed the workmen on the roof of the building opposite my lounge room window.

And that's when I died.”

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 “I'm certain that eventually my name is going to become synonymous with clumsy embarrassment.

There I was, practicing my ballet pirouettes (which I can assure you are stunningly beautiful and well executed) to some Placebo, and gracefully leaping over the dog and cat in an off-the-cuff and emotionally raw routine showcasing my artistic talent and musical prowess to the mirror.

At a particularly climactic chorus of "Did you forget to take you meds?" I attempted a slightly overzealous fouetté (I had to google what this move is called), which resulted in me losing control of my spin. Trying to correct myself, I stumbled backwards, one-legged, into the puppy fence we have enclosing the dining room table and shag rug, fell directly on top, and then over the fence, hitting my head on the table and bending the wire enclosure beyond recognition. To add insult to injury, as I tried to collect myself and get back en pointe to complete the routine (my mirror fans were waiting) I felt myself snag and be pulled back on top of the mangled mess of a fence. I tried again, to no avail which is when I realised my underwear was caught. One leg hole of my tighty whities was hooked over the top of the puppy fence, and the other was being held steadfast by the puppy himself. All the while Louie (cat) watched contently from a high perch on the couch back.

I know cats can't laugh, but I swear that smug bastard was judging me with a smile in his eyes.”