Was just cleaning up the icons on my laptops desktop, and came across a notepad document which I had completely forgotten about. Opened it up and found an epic rant I barely remember writing about 4 months ago. I think it's pretty self explanatory. If you can make it through reading it....it be LONNNNGGGG!
That should give you a pretty good scope of the amount of time I was on hold for actually.
So I've already been on hold to Optus for about 15 mins. In that time I've played 3 games of spider solitaire on my computer and now my eyes are starting to go cross eyed so I figured I'd move on to something else.
I'm on hold because I called to get them to set up my new internet connection, which I was assured was a simple self installation job. After attempting the set up multiple times I gave up and Googled the help number on my phone, which promptly died, so had to wait for it to charge to call them.
Although I did find it interesting, in an "you are all idiots" kind of way, that the letter I got with my new modem/router said for troubleshooting advice go to the website.
Number 1) I need troubleshooting advice for the fact that I cannot connect to the internet, you jackasses. So just to add insult to injury you put the help tips on the internet where I cannot access them. Putting aside phone internet, what if I had no phone signal? What if I was over my download limit on my phone?
I had to Google the number for the phone help line! Do they not see the issue with this? No Internet = No Help but No Help = No Internet.
Number 2) The "Help" on the website was literally the same booklet they had included with the router, only in adobe document format. Again, you jackasses. Why would I want the identical information I already have, only at the cost of wasting my mobile data to download it?
Now at this point, I have been on hold for another 8 minutes since I started typing. And I need to poop.
I think I'm going to poop. Maybe the awkwardness of the situation will make them more likely to answer the damn phone. Things usually work out that way for me.
...........................................................
Have pooped and returned. Still no word from t................
WHAT THE FUCK!
On hold for a total of 30 minutes with no word, and then an electronic voice comes over the phone and says "The Optus service center you have called is currently closed. Please call back tomorrow"
............
I CALLED A 24 HOUR LINE YOU FUCKERS!
And what did the people do, palm me off to another office who then put me on hold til they closed so they didn't have to take my call?
FUCK YOU OPTUS!
EPIC RAGE!
Now have had to call them AGAIN! And have to be put through the punishment of listening to their hold music, which I'm fairly certain was developed initially as some form of psychological warfare weapon system.
There's one tune that sounds like something from James Bond, only much much creepier. Like if James bond was a secret agent ghost or something.
And then the one that comes after that is like some overly happy 80's shit with an electronic organ playing beneath what can only be described as the highest pitch whistle it is possible for the human ear to decipher. It may even go higher than that pitch, I don't know, to my knowledge there are no dogs in my apartment building.If there were they would surely be howling the fucking place down right now.
10 minutes and counting on hold this second time. Now it's a song that started off like a weak version of the power rangers theme song and has gone into some soul singer singing "everything will be alright yeah yeah" over and over again.
No sad soul singer, not everything will be alright. Your career for one thing, is never going to be alright. If you have to sing a song to be used as hold music, nothing is going to be alright for you as a singer. Especially for Optus customers. You're voice has become the voice of evil. The voice that signifies being put on hold for half an hour and then hung up on. You're going to trigger some serious 'Nam-esc flashbacks if I ever hear your voice outside of this phone call.
You should probably give up singing and move to Iceland. I'm less likely to hunt you down and take vengeance against you for your crimes against humanity if you are in Iceland.
Less likely, but not totally unlikely. If I were you I would start running.
RUN.
Good thing I don't value my time or anything. I like being on hold for an hour when there's nothing to do at my place since I have no internet, no games, can't use the phone because it's busy playing me brain melting subliminal message songs, and can't watch TV as I've only managed to get the SBS channels working so far.
DAY TWO
Called Optus again, am on hold again, the time is now 6:00pm exactly on Tuesday. Let's see how we go today.
More torturous hold music, coupled with unbearable static and distortion from what I presume is both the quality of the music and the quality of my phone load speaker.
This music is making me feel like I'm in a waiting room some where with 8 other sad and tired people
where they are playing this horribly happy trumpet music to try and cheer up the poor bastards stuck there. But on the other side of the doors is the lethal injection. So the music is just a macabre insult really.
Wow. Took a dark turn there for a minute.
Oh look someone answered, 8 minutes later. Then said "I'm transferring you to someone else". Have been transferred to the someone else who then once again put me on hold.
2 minutes and counting for this second hold.
After 5 minutes, he is back! And asks if the internet and DSL lights are on on my modem/router.
The answer is no, neither of them are. And his response is "Well you need those to be on otherwise there is no internet connection"
Thanks captain obvious. Not like I called you because I couldn't get that to happen now was it? I just called for a chat. A deep bonding session with your hold music, who has now become my most hated adversary.
Oh good, after another 5 minutes on hold I am told the same thing I was last night, that I will be called back in 5-10 mins when they have talked to a technician.
I call bullshit. I call bullshit on this whole operation people! SHENANIGANS!
My warning to you all:
Get out! Get out while you still can! If you are considering Optus for your internet DON'T DO IT! I BEG OF YOU! RUN, RUN WHILE YOU STILL HAVE MOVEMENT IN YOUR LEGS
BEFORE THEY GO ALL PINS AND NEEDLES FROM BEING IN THE SAME POSITION IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER WAITING FOR THE HOLD MUSIC TO ENDD!!!!!
Was called back over an hour later, and am now on hold again. I am starting to hate all humans.
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