Reasons I think I'm old beyond my years

Now, normally that saying is 'wise beyond your years', but that's not so in my case. I am just old beyond my years - only 23 but with the characteristics of someone around the age of 60. Not just a regular 60 year old either. One of the grumpy ones who yells at children to get off the lawn. 10 reasons pertaining to this revelation are the following:

1) I regularly either think or utter the phrase "Stupid kids."
2) I actively avoid going outside between the hours of 3pm and 4pm on weekdays so as to avoid school children returning home.
3) I have been waking up at 8am on Saturdays and Sundays. And actually getting out of bed. And not being tired.
4) Then, around 4pm I start to get drowsy and need a caffeine kick.
5) I am choosing, without coercion, to buy home wares and furniture over clothing and shoes.
6) I've started to actually enjoy watching home improvement shows
7) I can make a quiche...without a recipe
8) New technology is no longer exciting, it is frightening and confusing.
9) I have been to a night club once in the last 4 months, and I hated it.
10) If I don't write something down, it is immediately forgotten. Not only do I need to write it down though, I have to write it down and set an alarm to alert me to look at the note at an appropriate time to take action.

I'm pretty sure that last one is some kind of early onset dementia. I will write notes on my hand, and then forget to look at my hand. Then I'll go to shower and see it there and think oh shit I forgot, never mind I'll do it when I get out of the shower. Then of course, I wash the pen off my hand, get out of the shower and have completely forgotten there was ever something I was meant to do! Especially something so important that it required me temporarily tattooing my hands with blue ink.

I'm pretty sure I also drink more milk than should be legally allowable for a human being to consume.
I'm not sure if that's an elderly thing, but it's probably not helping since everyone else my age drinks soft drink.

As I write this, I am sitting in my dressing gown, on the couch on a Sunday morning, considering walking down to pick up a Sunday news paper just so I can do the crossword and Sudoku.
Speaking of which, reminds me that I am the only person under the age of 60 that does the Sudoku in the MX paper on the train ride home after work. The only other people I've seen actually take out a pen and attempt the puzzles on the train are men with white hair, brown shoes and briefcases that I'm fairly sure would fetch a pretty penny at an antique market.

So I'll leave you with my sad elderly lady confessional, and go and get a coffee and the paper. If you relate to any of this, I'm truly sorry. Maybe we could start a club? We could all learn Mahjong together and complain about today's youth. (Do you realise I was born before the internet was commercially available? Today's kids won't even have to ask their parents where babies come from. They can ask Google instead. Not Jeeves though. Fuck Jeeves, he was always the worst search engine.)