The Gadget Murderer

I love technology. My eyes light up watching the latest gadget I've procured illuminate with pretty moving colours and soothing space aged start-up music.

But I don’t look after my technological gadgets, and because of this, I feel the machines have finally started to make their move against me. The end is near.

I have been blacklisted by my entertainment systems, communication devices and portable work consoles for being careless in my efforts to maintain their well-being.

I am careless with my belongings.

I break things.

Hulk smash.

Maybe it’s because the first mobile phone I ever owned could survive a teenage girl throwing it directly at the tiled kitchen floors in a fit of rage over a text message. How silly is that? I can’t even remember what it said. (I remember exactly what it said. Fuck you Karen, you bitch.)

Or maybe it’s because I've never owned anything of significant value that I haven’t bought and paid for myself, and I therefore feel some kind of entitlement to destroy it, along with the money I spent, as I see fit. Now watch me flush this Tamagotchi down the toilet (true story).

Or maybe I have spoiled myself with my technological gadgetry and now subconsciously seek to arrange the demise of my computerised minions earlier than their intended expiration date as some kind of justification to purchase the NEW version of the gadget without feeling guilty. “I NEED a new one…my old one just fell to pieces…after being subjected to multiple beatings in the bottom of my gym bag under some weights I just happen to carry around”

I like to think it is not the latter, both to reassure myself that I am not a psychopath and serial purposeful gadget murderer, and because the last gadget I broke was the latest up-to-date model of a phone of which there were no viable upgrades on the horizon.

Right now I am writing this on a tablet on a train. Not because inspiration to write struck me or I felt the need to warn the world of my murderous tendencies towards anything more technical than a calculator (who am I kidding, I have broken several calculators), but because it appears the headphone jack on the tablet is broken, and I can’t watch my stories.

I’m only at this point now because I have finished the book I loaded onto my E-Reader before leaving home and am too fussy to pick another one without first reading several reviews on its literary quality from internet people I don’t know.

I can’t read any reviews on these books from these people who live in the internet because my phone is broken and I don’t have access. 

I DON’T HAVE INTERNET ACCESS. Trying not to panic.

I may have panicked a little.

The E-Reader itself is a recent upgrade and/or replacement of the older model which I managed to break by carrying around in my bag with no case. Bottle of wine vs. unprotected e-reader…..you already know who won.

It wasn't even good wine. $10 Moscato vs $120 gadget.

Ha, nah you’re right, it was still good wine.

Can they just start building these things with covers? That would really help me out a lot.

The gadgets, not the wine. I imagine if the made wine bottles indestructible bad things would happen. I’m not sure what bad things exactly, but I imagine it would have something to do with turtles.

And I know I know, the evil techno giants (incidentally my future DJ name) want my money so they make things smash-able and shatter-able and with a shelf life shorter than spring onions (quite literally, I had spring onions in my fridge for longer than I had this new phone.) so they’re not going to make a tougher version of my fancy pants phone which has a screen too big to fit in to any type of fancy pants pocket.

But a girl can dream.

I don’t dream much.

The last one I had had something to do with a me triumphing gloriously over someone I was upset with and I woke  up sad to realise that was not the case in reality. In reality, I was sitting in bed with a laptop that must be plugged in at all times because the battery is dead, a tablet with a broken headphone jack, a phone which doesn't work – at all, and an e-reader with no books on it.

My iPod shuffle is still in remarkably good condition. This is likely because it is the only item I have mentioned which was purchased for me as a birthday gift from my best friend about 8 years ago. I tend to take care of the shit other people give me.

It’s also small enough that me dropping it or throwing it in the bottom of a sweaty and weight filled gym bag has no effect.

What I’m getting at here is, please will someone buy me some new technology. I have exhausted my gadget budget and have already managed to break all the things I spent it on.